Bit of Crumpet or Muffin the Mule?

The muffin man is seated at the table in the laboratory of the Utility Muffin Research kitchen. Reaching for an oversized chrome spoon he gathers an intimate quantity of dried muffin remnants and brushing his scapular aside procceds to dump these inside of his shirt...

He turns to us and speaks:

Some people like cupcakes better. I, for one, care less for them!

Arrogantly twisting the sterile canvas snoot of a fully charged icing anointment utensil he poots forths a quarter-ounce green rosette (oh ah yuk yuk... lets try that again...!) he poots forth a quarter-ounce green rosette near the summit of a dense but radiant muffin of his own design.

Later he says:

Some people... some people like cupcakes exclusively, while myself, I say there is naught nor ought there be nothing so exalted on the face of God's grey earth as that prince of foods... the muffin!

Girl you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin
He hung around till you found
That he didn't know nuthin

Girl you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin


('The Muffin Man' - off Bongo Fury by Frank Zappa)

*

Why a post about muffins and crumpets? Since we're entering that time of year when I have to explain to many of my 11th Grade students (by way of preliminaries for Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest) the niceties of English Victorian high tea and what we* mean by muffins and why a muffin isn't a crumpet and what a bit of crumpet might be on the side. And, it just so happens, Geof Huth wasn't quite sure crumpets really existed - at least outside of Enid Blyton stories.

So, for me a muffin is more 'bready' where the crumpet is more 'spongey'. On balance I prefer the crumpet to the muffin - those little holes allow the butter etc. to permeate more effectively (peanut butter & Marmite are my preferred option).

Go to cafes in the UK these days and a muffin has been supplanted by the American version - chocolate, chocolate chip, blueberry etc.. And very nice too - I am happy to embrace both varieties.



Finally, on a point of disambiguation (as Wikipedia would say) "crumpet" can also refer to an attractive young lady/ sex itself (the kind of phrase Sid James would come out with in Carry On films - "Fancy a bit of crumpet me love?"







(The aptly named Joan Bakewell - often referred to as the 'Thinking Man's Crumpet'.)

I hope this clarifies the matter.

Next: do you say scone or scone? And which way to pass the ketchup bottle at High Table.

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* i.e. English chaps brought up on crumpets and muffins toasted before roaring electric fires in cruddy bedsits.